My body is broken...

In the early part of the 3rd trimester of pregnancy, I developed hemorrhoids. They were no fun at all, but the nurse told me that they should go away after the birth. Well, immediately after the birth, the were horrible. They finally healed up a couple of months after that, but they've been recurring ever since. I thought I had finally gotten rid of them, but they came back with more bleeding than ever last Sunday night.

I went to the doctor's office about them yesterday, but it sounds like this may just be a problem that I might have forever. She kept emphasizing prevention techniques that I've tried in the past but that don't really seem to work. It was quite discouraging. I did get 2 new prescriptions, and I'm supposed to take Citracel every day for 2 weeks. It's Tuesday now, and they're still not good.

A vaginal birth is supposed to be so much easier for recovery than a c-section. I really wonder in my particular case if this is true. Between the tearing/episiotomy, extra catheter because I couldn't pee soon enough after the birth, and the hemorrhoids, I didn't really feel relatively decent until 5 1/2 weeks after the birth. I wonder if the hemorrhoids would have simply healed up if I hadn't had all the pushing from the vaginal birth. I suppose it doesn't matter now, though.

This is making me really wonder whether my body could even really handle another pregnancy. My grandmother (on my mom's side) had wanted more than 1 child but for whatever reason, she was unable to have another child. And, of course I can't ever know the details of that now, since everyone who would have known is no longer living. I also wonder if my mom ever had issues with hemorrhoids. But, again, I'll never know that either.

I really want Ariella to have a sibling. With my family history (father died at 61, mother died at 59 - both of different types of cancers), I haven't been crazy optimistic about my life expectancy. And, Tyree has family history of heart issues and diabetes. It's very possible that Ariella might have the very same thing happen to her (both parents dying relatively young). If it weren't for my brother, it would essentially be just me - granted, I have 2 cousins and 1 aunt and uncle, but that's pretty much it. So, I would really like Ariella to have a sibling. Hopefully Tyree and I can both live to be 100, but that's probably not the case. If they can come up with a cure for cancer, I'll probably be good. So, maybe I will live to be really old.

I just don't know how much my body can take. It seems like while I've been in excellent health regarding weight, fitness, and eating habits, I've just had a myriad of health issues in the past 10 years - kidney infection, appendix bursting and left waiting in the hospital for a day and a half (long story, very difficult recovery), 2 ear surgeries, tonsils out. It's just been a LOT. Everything with the pregnancy was perfect until the start of the 3rd trimester. Then, I developed the hemorhoids, had a pre-term labor scare, had to be put on meds and no exercise from week 19 to 35.

I'm sure this could all be a lot worse, but I guess my hormones are all over the place, and I seem to find myself having tunnel vision (but at least I recognize that). I just don't know. I really want a 2nd child, though. I would never want Ariella to be alone...